Here we are in 2015. I felt like I had to top the previous year and take it to another level of nonsense. Mission accomplished.
DUE TO
INCREASED SECURITY MEASURES, PORTIONS OF THIS LETTER HAVE BEEN REDACTED
Friends and Family-
First of all, I have an apology to make to all of you. I’d like to say “I’m sorry” for not taking the writing of the
holiday letter more seriously. I now realize that I’ve made a mockery of the
traditional holiday letter
over the years and I was wrong to assume that most people find those letters boring. It turns out, in fact, that most people actually love
reading tediously written summations of the family’s every holiday season. Unfortunately, my actions have caused others
harm. Last year, the letter “started” on
page 9. I thought it was funny. Sadly,
though, several recipients were confused and kajdf j ajfdkdja ;
adfj;a looking for those “missing
pages”, sometimes going to
great lengths (and expense) to find the pages that never actually existed. From the bottom of my heart, aj jdka;kj jka;ljdf daskf
. Furthermore, aldkfj
akdj;fak ak;ldfja d ;aldkfj if you asked. My intention was never to cause harm to anyone. From now on I promise to give these letters the seriousness that they deserve. Starting this year, I’ll refrain from satire,
sarcasm or anything other
and wholesome, family h,
including, alkkfdjadf
l;ajdfa and ldfjaldfja;ldfa as well as dlkfjalsdfj;alf.
With that said, let’s
ajdf;j a; pelicans ; with the 2015 Justice Family Holiday
Letter!!
Friends and Family-
Wow, is it just me or did 2015 really fly
by? It reminded me of that time when when alksdfja akj a aka Don Rickles jdkf ja akfjad adfaj; in Jakarta, and we all know how that turned
out! Well, here are some of the highlights of our
year. Some are ladkjf adfadlkfj;a lkajdf a
kdj;fa and some are just adfjka jadk;fja l ajkfda. I hope you akdfo;jadk f them!
Our year actually started out on a sad note. If you didn’t know, Rachel a;ld
adkfja akd;jf plastic seat coversjkadf;ja dfadk snow plows a;kaf adfjk dalfaj adfa;j jadjf
ajdfj a boat captain adl;j akdf;jak jak;dfja
adjkf with a
search warrant! Mr. Azar asked us to kdljar adkjf
kajd k;;dfja;kj a kkajkfd several times, which I just didn’t feel
comfortable with. Luckily, it turned out
that akfj ajkd;f
jk;ja Enrico Pellazo fkadj ajkdfja ; Chesapeake Bay jk;djf j kjdf;ak jk rejected aj jkd;jfa jdf;, 2% our own property! Thanks to all of you who helped us
dfjk;j 65 jfk dfadfda evading ;. adfadfadf . It really meant a lot!
Besides a;ldfjadfadfa
and ball bearings adlkfja;
ladjfald fa, Avery klal;djf
a j;lj adfadj akjd;f aakdfj a
1979 Cutlass Supreme! She was also
chosen to akdfj dfadfadfathe
cushy pillows akdfja ajdf;klaj Bolivia adfkj ajdk;lfja kl;ajd f;kl secret
ingredients. She was thrilled! Next up was theafklj adsfkjSDsdd
with Hoyle’s “The Rules of dfkjadfa,” ajkdfl;j adfja; notary public, fgsfgsfgsfg but luckily it all worked out (minus a;ldkfja;lkdfjaa;ldfjk French
Foreign Legionadfdfaa). In
October, her first
grade class was chosen to fakdf;ja
fadfadfadfa roman candles adfdfadfadfadfadsf Nostradamus. adfadfaddadfadf until they
are 21! Lucky girl.
In May, Addy finally got the chance to al;dfjk jdf;aj Tommy Lee Jones Jones kj;df ui a jklfa, heavy machinery akdlfj; ajfad and cloud
seeding. Aldfjaldfja d;sfalf; (Barnaby Jones?) ald;kfja df; picket
line wanted which is
hard to do! In the middle of the summer,
akdfj;ad fa a kad;jf counterfeit passports adfj; jakdfj
sea otters and even one very
playful chinchilla! crowbars and akldjf adfkja df;kajd El Nino. We couldn’t believe
it!
2015 was the year that Rachel finallyadfadfadf technically
legal withadfadfdafad
her job. Since April, she has been adlfjad fadfk alkdfj ;, ldkfa;jd fa;dkfjadf Santa Ana, CA and Gallipolis Ferry, WV (pop.
817). I think that it goes without
saying, but she’s aadkfja;
medicated cream adflkj jakd;f. It was the icing on the cake! She’s really enjoying adfadfadafd gauze pads dfasfdasdfadfafda troposphere
dafladjf;adlfjk a,
which is kind of like aldfja;darsdf
and dkfj a;adfadfa Malt-O-Meal! Also, wish her luck as she starts her adflkjadfj ;lkaj;df on
June 20, unless adfadfadfdfadfadsfaf
binoculars adjfajdf;ak
Art Garfunkel. Addy, ladflakjdfadfdafadffa and I
will be cheering her on!
DUE TO INCREASED SECURITY MEASURES, PORTIONS OF THIS LETTER HAVE BEEN REDACTED
This year, for me, was all about aldfjaldkfja dfldf. I was very lucky to get to adfjladkjflakdfjadsfad with
Jack Kludman aldjfaldfj
adadfadadf for free! It was fkasdjf;ladsfj a;lajfl but
the real winner was al;jdfa
dfkja;dfja and the citizens of Gary,
Indiana. I spent a lot of time this year
kdf;alkdfj;a while
also alkfjd adlfkja; a
sudden loss of vision. That enabled me
to alkdfj;a dfa;dkfj;adlfj;
a check cashing store f;ajd;lfjad ;flkajdf
avoidable, but kla;djf;aldkfadfadfj
with free refills! I’m sure that the
kids enjoyed it! In the end, like I
always say, “aldkjfa;ajdf;lakdjf,
dang near killed ‘em!”
To bring us up to the present, Rachel and I went to see the new Star Wars on opening night last
week. It is amazing!
I’m still shocked that adkfj;alkdjflaksdjflaksjdf;
and ;lfjasld;kjfa;lsdkjfasdjfalksd;jf;lkasdjfl;kasjdf;lkajsdfl;kja.
. Also, ;laksdjf;lkasdjf lkajsdflkjasdlfkjasdl;kfja;sdlkfj;alksdjfl;kasdjf;lk. asjdfl;kajsdlfkjas dl;kfjalskdjf;laksdjflkajsdf;lk;fljalskdfjlaksdjflkasdjflkajsd
flkjasdlkfjasdl;kfjal;ksdjf;laksdjf;laksjdf;lkasjdf;lakjsdf;lk in the
end? Oh, and then dlfkjaldkfj;a ajk;ja dfk akdjfkaljdf;a ; ajdf;kladf with a;kdfkajdl;f a and
adfiajkdslf;aj . Sorry if I spoiled
it for any of you. .
Finally, the kids have asked that I include a story about our magic
Christmas “Elf on a
Shelf.” Our elf, Ernie, first came to our house four years
ago. Each time we wake up during the holiday season, we find him in
different locations in the house.
It’s always very exciting. Last week, Addy ran into our room very early in the morning
yelling, “I found Ernie! He’s in the kitchen!” It turns out that Ernie somehow got stuck half way intostuck a
box on the counter! Both kids thought it was so funny and
started calling him our “fElf
in a Box!” Now, every morning when they start
their search they yell, “Elfc
in a Box! Elfc in a Box!”
They even came up
with their own song called “Eflf in a Box.” It’s super
cute.
DUE TO INCREASED SECURITY MEASURES, PORTIONS OF THIS LETTER HAVE BEEN REDACTED
Well, that
was our year in review. We hope
you you enjoyed it
because we sure diddafdfadsfad. Have a a happy and safe holiday season and we hope to see
you in 2016! Until then, you can go adlkfja;ldfj ad;lfkj a;dflk ja.!!
The Justice
Family
Chris,
Rachel, Addison and Avery
2016: This was never sent. My wife thought that I had gone too far off of the reservation. I did, in fact, have some reservations about her reservations about my going off of the reservation, which I have reserved my right to do.
The Justice Family 2016
Holiday Letter
Sorry about that government
involvement last year. I just recently
found out that our letter was heavily redacted.
Whoops! I knew it was a bad idea
to mock those guys in the white van down the street when I was certain that my
phone was tapped. No one would listen to
me (except the guys in the white van).
2016 has been a bittersweet
year. On one hand, we had a great year
at home. We took two wonderful family
vacations, got everyone on skis or boards, had a great summer then watched
Avery start 2nd grade and Addy her last year of pre-K. We enjoyed time with friends and family and
celebrated the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series. On the other hand the world lost a
surprisingly large number of legendary musicians and celebrities such as
Prince, Leon Russell, David Bowie, Muhammad Ali, Craig Seger and more. With this being a holiday letter and me being
a “glass half full” person, I thought that instead of focusing on who we lost
this year, why not focus on who we didn’t lose?
Seems much more positive.
So, in the spirit of the
season, let’s salute the following people for not dying in 2016 (as of December
15, 2016)
Note: The date as I write this is December 17, so
these folks need only to hold on for 14 more days! I’m rooting for them!
Zsa Zsa Gabor: Who didn’t
love Green Acres! She’s 99 and probably
looking for Eddie Albert to finally make the Green Acres movie we’ve all been
waiting for. Or was she “I Dream of
Jeanie.” Wait, is Larry Hagman still alive? What about the guy who played his buddy?
Kirk Douglas: The man was
born in 1916, meaning he wasn’t around when the Cubs won it all in 08. He was 29 when WWII ended. He was 60 when American turned 200. He was 84 during Y2K. He is Spartacus.
Bob Dole: 93 and
kicking ass.
Jimmy Carter and George HW
Bush, Sr.: Both 92 and end each day with a phone call to
each other to make sure the other is still here. “Goodnight, Jimmy.” “Goodnight, George.” That’s how each day ends for them. Shouldn’t we all be so lucky?
Fats Domino: 88. He is officially the longest person to ever
live with the name “Fats.” Previous
holder of the record was pool shark Minnesota Fats, who made it to 83. Apparently all that running up and down
Blueberry Hill has done him wonders.
Lee Majors: 77. The man nearly died in the mid-70s and now
he’s in his late 70’s. They rebuilt
him. They had the technology to make him
better, stronger, faster than he was before.
Thankfully, Oscar Goldman is still around at age 90. Sasquatch, however, is probably dead.
“Mean” Gene Okerland: 78. He has outlived the following wrestlers that
he interviewed over the years (year of death in parentheses): “Macho Man” Randy Savage (58), Andre The
Giant (46), Bam Bam Bigelow (47), Big Boss Man (41), Big John Studd (47), Bruiser Brody (42), Hacksaw Buzz Sawyer (32),
Davey Boy Smith (39), Every single member of the Von Erich family, Dusty Rhodes
“The American Dream” (69), Eddie Guererro (39), Gorilla Monsoon (62), JYD (45),
Mr. Perfect (44), Rick Rude (40), Paul Bearer (58), Road Warrior Hawk (46),
Rowdy Roddy Piper (61), Terry Gorde (40), Skandor Akbar (75), Capt. Lou Albano
(75), The Missing Link (68), Chief Wahoo McDaniel (63), Ultimate Warrior (54),
Blackjack Mulligan (73)
Dick Van Dyke (91): Thank
goodness he didn’t become a wrestler so were able to get eight seasons of Dr.
Mark Sloane in Diagnosis: Murder.
Billy Graham (98): Is it just me
or does it seem a little hypocritical that he’s 98? I mean, the guy has spent his whole life
telling anyone who’d listen just how much he loves the Lord but it’s not like
he’s in any kind of a hurry to see Him. That’s kind of like saying that your favorite
thing in the world is sailing but yet you’ve never been in a boat.
Let’s shift gears…
I’m pretty sure that most of
you probably don’t know that I’m a ghost writer for Cosmopolitan Magazine. My taglines are often labeled “Jane
Doe.” Most of what I write for Cosmo are
the “quizzes” or “personality tests” that many women (and men in waiting rooms)
enjoy doing. Topics such as “How Often
Should I Call After He Stops Answering the Phone?” and “Are They Scoring Points
or Runs? (and other important sports terms to know)” are just a few examples of
my recent submissions. Normally I get paid
to do this, but with it being the holidays and all I thought I’d offer one up
for free. Consider it our gift to
you.
Your Holiday Spirit Ranking
For some people, the
“holiday” season begins the day after Halloween. Others prefer to wait until Thanksgiving to
begin thinking ahead to Christmas. From
the Scrooges of the world to those whose Christmas lights never truly get taken
down, let’s find out just how much you love (or hate!) the holiday season.
Circle one answer per
question
1.
It’s December 24th at noon. What are you doing?
a.
Starting my
Christmas shopping like I do every year
b.
Slurring my order
for my 5th double rum and Coke
c.
Making license
plates
d.
I don’t
know. What are YOU doing?
2.
What’s the FIRST
thing you do on Christmas morning?
a.
Slur my order for
my 5th double rum and Coke
b.
Go back to sleep
c.
Resume sitting
patiently next to the tree waiting for everyone else to get up
d.
Prepare to make
more license plates
3.
My favorite
holiday tradition is
a.
Any drink that
ends in “Daniels”
b.
The family $5.00
betting pool to predict when Uncle Malcom drops his first F bomb
c.
The end of the
growing nightly pressure of “where does the damn elf show up next?”
d.
The sighting of
the first holiday display at Wal Mart right after Labor Day
4.
What is the best way to lose that “holiday
weight” you gain every year?
a.
Remove the
batteries from the scale in your bathroom
b.
Buy pants one
size larger. Works every time.
c.
Research how to
get taller
d.
Never take down
the tree so that it’s always the holidays at your house
5.
My favorite
holiday movie is
a.
Die Hard
b.
Groundhog Day
c.
Halloween II
d.
Independence Day
Let’s find out your holiday
spirit ranking:
Mostly A’s Santa’s
Helper: Your shopping is done in
July and egg nog is part of your daily diet.
Mostly B’s Grocery Store Bell Ringer: Every sweater you own is ugly and so is your
comforter.
Mostly C’s Cousin
of Ebeneezer: No, seriously, you
have a cousin named Ebeneezer and he owes you money. His address is listed below.
Mostly D’s Mayor
of the North Pole: Your holiday
spirit is infectious, just like your brother-in-law. You’re surprisingly upbeat for someone whose
driver’s license is currently suspended and it’s charming that you think that
Boxing Day has something to do with George Foreman.
Happy Holidays, everyone!
Avery, Addy, Rachel, Chris and Sparkles!
PS I thought I’d throw in a
special treat for you all. Don’t tell
anyone and please don’t post this on any type of social media, but I’m
including below a sneak peek at the January Cosmo “Cosmic Predictions for Your
2017” test. The magazine doesn’t come
out until the 15th so I could get into trouble.
Your Astrological Cosmic 2017 Predictions! Take the test below to predict what’s in
store for you and to provide helpful tips in the New Year! Circle the answer that you feel represents
you best and then we’ll tally it all up at the end to reveal your future.
1.
If you had to associate a shape to the state
of Montana, which would it be?
a.
Triangle
b.
Circle
c.
Decagon
d.
Lamp
2.
What time is it
if it’s “half past two?”
a.
Seven
b.
Two and a half
c.
Time to go to the
dentist
d.
Math!
3.
When filing for
unemployment, which box should you check if you truly have no intention of
looking for a job anytime in the foreseeable future?
a.
I truly have no
intention of looking for a job anytime in the foreseeable future
b.
I’m just taking
some much needed time off
c.
I prefer to not
answer this question based on my rights as outlined in the 20th
amendment
d.
Arbor Day started
in Nebraska City, Nebraska
4.
On average,
“most” people who ride on the turnip truck are born on this day
a.
Monday
b.
Arbor Day
c.
Yesterday
d.
2:30
5.
Which answer is
more true than the others
a.
The actual color
of the kettle was purple
b.
The correct
spelling of “team” does not include an “i”
c.
When in Des
Moines, what do Romans do?
d.
Every kiss begins
with Kay
OK, now tally up your scores
(add up your answers according to the scale below)
A= 34
B=109
C=3
D=0
Points
0-2 You
need to stretch more and stop fretting about your failed divorce. Good luck is in the cards in 2017 when the
air sign Mercury visits you in a ’77 Monte Carlo. Your supervisor at work is on to your “sick”
days and most of your closest friends are jealous of your new car smell.
11-934 The
waxing moon shows a turbulent beginning of the year for you. Literally, on the morning of January 1, a
large piece of the International Space Station will drop out of the sky and
into your living room. Vacate your home
prior to 8am to avoid injuries. Also, the
ruler of Venus indicates that your hot water heater won’t last the winter.
7 Great
things are in store for you this year!
The proximity of Mars to Taurus the Bull means that no one ever claimed
that wallet you turned in at Home Depot!
The credit cards and cash are yours!
Be prepared for late summer as it appears that an in-law will move into
your basement. Your Xfinity Comcast bill
will fluctuate by hundreds of dollars each month for no earthly reason.
1250-1251 The
fire sign of Pluto and the water sign of Saturn are clashing, which can only
mean that an IRS audit is looming. Orion
the Hunter says, “the lottery numbers on November 19th are 3 5 12 16 23 35.”
