Once And For All

"Have That Removed."

Today my wife asked my why the web address for this blog is havethatremoved.blogspot.com.  She said something about it sounding gross or whatever.  I wasn't listening.  I didn't even bother to go into a long diatribe about what it means or where it came from.  It just doesn't matter.  She wouldn't get it.  And if you're female and you're reading this, you probably won't get it either.  Sorry.  But it did give me an idea of what to write about tonight. 

You see, women and men are different.  No, that's not the topic.  There are entire sections at Barnes and Noble dedicated to the differences between the sexes.  If you're looking for deep philosophical reasoning on women being from one planet and men from another, you are in the wrong place.  I'm a guy.  I'm shallow.  I read the sports page first, then entertainment and if I'm not yet finished with my time in the reading room (or, as women call it, the "restroom"), I may skim the front page section.  But that's only if I have time.  It's super boring.  I prefer to stay above the fray and limit myself to reading about things that truly matter in my life.  When someone starts talking about politics or the economy or world matters and some article they recently read, I ask them if it was in the sports or entertainment section.  When they pause and wonder if I am serious and then say "no," I say something like, "Well, then I guess I didn't see it."  I'm shallow.  I'm a guy.  I like sports and music and TV shows and movies.  I really like movies.  And because I'm a guy, I was born with a gene that allows me to retain and remember specific quotes from movies and be able to access those on command and in the proper circumstance.  Women do not possess this gene. And there in lies the problem. 

Great movie quotes are like golden nuggets of information.  They are stored in a vault and brought out on occasion when necessary.  Some are better at this God-given talent than others and the all-stars and hall of famers are the ones who can access a given quote and apply it to a conversation without missing a beat.  It's almost like time stops for a moment.  We press the pause button, open the vault, rummage through the thousands and thousands of stored quotes, pick the best one for the given situation and roll it out.  The guys who are a part of the conversation immediately understand and the conversation continues.  And there's never a need to insert (prior to using the quote), "You know, it's kind of like when Ty Webb, Chevy Chase, in Caddyshack, said, "Pool or a pond.  Pond would be good for you."  That's the sure sign of a rookie who has not developed his skill.  But even the rookies get it when a quote is delivered by a pro.  Women?  Not so much.  Puzzled looks, questions, frustration.  "Why must all guys quote movies all the time?  My boyfriend always does that and I hate it!  I never understand what he is talking about."  You're not supposed to understand.  Women aren't born with this innate ability.  Most seasoned women just roll their eyes and move on.  It's fruitless to try explain and it always ends without conclusion. 

"Well, you see, Ty Webb and Carl Spackler were having this conversation in Carl's untidy room.  Carl was the assistant greenskeeper at the country club and probably didn't shower much.  His living quarters were filthy.  Carl was trying to bond with Ty and he asked him if he still lived in the same house that Carl knew some time ago.  When Ty said that he did, in fact, live in that house, Carl asked him if he had a pool over there.  While he asked the question, he was scratching himself as if he needed to take a bath.  Ty then said that the house did have a pool.  And he also offered additional information that there was also a pond nearby.  Carl then kind of insinuated that he'd like to come by sometime.  Ty off-handedly said, "Pool or a pond.  Pond would be good for you."  This was sarcasm from Ty meaning that he'd probably prefer that Carl use the pond due to his concerns that Carl was so dirty that he may pollute his pool."

This never works.  It's a waste of time and often morphs into some sort of discussion about why guys are so dumb.  But I'm going to try my best to explain some of these quotes.  This will hopefully prove helpful in a number of ways.  For women, perhaps it will shed just a little bit of light on the use and context of these quotes so that the next time one of them finds their way into a conversation, you'll be able to translate a little bit better.  For men, if you're still trying to hone your skill, it may provide a few tips to help you avoid embarrassing and awkward situations.  Nothing is worse than a poor quote reference.  Either not using it in the right context or botching it so bad that it's just semi-recognizable.  And that's where we'll start. 

The top two things to remember when bringing out a movie quote:
1.  It has to be used in the right context.  If you're going to pull out "It's like going to Wisconsin. We zip in. We zip out.  No problem," it probably needs to be during a conversation that involves driving, directions or travel.  Nothing is worse than "Wrong Context Guy" who interjects a quote that has no relevance to the conversation. 
2.  The quote has to be near-verbatim.  "Quote Paraphraser Guy" or "Botched Quote Guy" may actually be worse than "Wrong Context Guy."  I have a friend who constantly references all old people as "Mr. and Mrs. Haversham."  One time I called him on it and it seemed like he understood me.  But it's still always the Havershams.  Look, as most of you know, it's the Havercamps.  Mr. and Mrs. Havercamp.  Get it right.

I realize that I've already lost most of the women who are reading this.  I just referenced two quotes that are prominently used in our vocabulary and you have no idea what I'm talking about.  Bare with me, your time is coming.  I'm here for you.

(Wait, women read this?)

OK, so this will just be a snippet of quotes.  There are literally thousands that we have retained and can bring out on command in any given situation. At least the pros can.  I'll just highlight a few.

Quote:  "Have that removed"
Movie:  Stripes
Said by:  Captain Stillman
Description:  Stillman is a bumbling army captain.  He tries hard to look and act like he knows what he is going.  But he is a dufus.  As he walks away after talking with Drill Sergeant Hulka, he trips over an immovable object.  He then turns to this aid and says, "Have That Removed."  Which would be impossible. 
Best use:  Any time yourself or someone near you trips over anything.
Link for assistance

Quote:  "The new phone book's here!  The new phone book's here!"
Movie:  The Jerk
Said by:  Navin R. Johnson
Description:  Navin was born a poor, black child.  But he is white.  He was raised in a rural southern area by a black family.  He is a complete and total moron.  He has no sense whatsoever about life outside of his home.  When he is older, maybe in his early 30's, he realizes that he is different than his family and he wants to venture out into the world and make his own way.  When he gets his first job and first living quarters of his own, along with a phone, he is very excited about the fact that he is going to be listed in the phonebook.  He feels like it makes him "somebody."  The day finally arrives that the new phone books are delivered and it's as if he has won the World Series.  He jumps around like a kid on Christmas morning. 
Best use:  When someone you know becomes very excited about something that seems mundane.  Or perhaps they are excited about something that you personally could care less about.
Link for assistance

Quote:  "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."
Movie:  Animal House
Said by:  Dean Wormer
Description:  Members of the Delta house fraternity are brought in to meet with Dean Vernon Wormer.  The Delts are the party house on campus and their members are a collection of characters.  Dorfman, whose Delta Tau Chi name is "Flounder," is overweight.  When Dean Wormer address him to tell him his grade point average, the quote is his life advise for him to better himself moving forward.
Best use:  There are so many.  Obvious uses would be to any friends who may have recently gained some weight, gotten drunk or just did something really stupid.
Link for assistance

Quote:  "Sheeeet, Negro, that's all you had to say!"
Movie:  Pulp Fiction
Said by:  Jules Winnfield
Description:  Jules and Vincent are gangsters.  Hit men.  They work for Marcellis Wallis.  Vincent accidentally shoots and kills an acquaintance who is sitting in the backseat of the car.  Blood is everywhere.  In a panic, Jules drives the car to a nearby house owned by a friend of his.  Jules calls Marcellis to explain the situation.  Jules is panicked and frustrated that it doesn't seem like Marcellis is giving him any answers to fix the situation.  Finally Marcellis tells him that he sending "The Wolf" (another usable line:  "You're sending The Wolf?").  This calms Jules as it is apparent that he knows who "The Wolf" is and that his reputation alone is enough for him to know that the situation will be under control.
Best use:  During any conversation that has gone on longer than it should have and there is finally a voice of reason and a conclusion to whatever the discussion was about.
Link for assistance

Quote: "What are you doing up there, you doing some stunt flyin' or something?"
Movie:  Fletch
Said by:  Airplane Mechanic #1
Description:  Fletch is an undercover investigative reporter.  He is trying to find out information about Alan Stanwyk, who lied to him about dying of bone cancer after asking him to murder him so that his wife could collect his life insurance policy.  His investigation takes him to Stanwyk's private plane, where two mechanics are doing some maintenance.  During the conversation (Fletch is posing as another airplane mechanic), one of the guys alludes that Stanwyk always burns way more gas than he should given the flight plans that he is filing.  The other mechanic then relays a joking interaction he has with Stanwyk when he is inquiring about why he uses so much gas. 
Best use:  Any time someone is gone for longer than they should be.  Or when you're in the backseat and the driver makes a mistake or swerves, etc.  Multiple, multiple uses. 
Link for assistance

It needs to be noted here that some movies, such as Fletch, have so many usable quotes that I could do another whole section that focuses on just one movie.  In that Fletch scene alone (the entire scene inside the airplane hanger) there are at least ten, if not more, that are in the rotation.  Regardless of the movie, the entire key to the operation is knowing which quotes to use in what context in a given situation.  For guys, Improper Usage of Quotes is intolerable.  You need to be absolutely sure that whatever quote you're going to use fits the situation.  Nothing is more distressing than to have a friend interject a quote that is either obviously incorrect or way out of context.  It's awkward, uncomfortable and, quite frankly, makes you look bad, too.  Especially if you and your friend are engaged in a conversation with people you just met.  Ladies, for the most part, we (men) often appreciate the effort, even if the quote is horribly wrong or doesn't fit into the conversation. 

Hopefully this has provided some assistance at either giving you a better understanding on the how and the why of our movie filled vocabulary or, for you rookies, given you some helpful tips on honing your craft.  It takes practice.  And hours of watching TNT rerun movies on Sunday afternoons.