The First, Until The Last

"I went back to the doctor to get another shrink.  I sit and tell him about my weekend, but he never betrays what he thinks."

Can you see the real me, can you?  Can you?  

What a joke that has been played on us.  And how do we get through this fiasco?  We are faced with this question daily.  Hourly.  By the minute.  

I had a conversation with my three year old daughter the other day.  The basis was that we had to leave the park and go home to eat dinner.  She was very upset that we had to leave.  She wanted to continue to play on the swings and the slide and the monkey bars.  Even if she can't do the monkey bars yet.  "We have to go, Avery."  Met with whining.  "Avery, we have to go now."  More whining.  "Avery, unfortunately, everything ends."  

Everything ends.  That's the punch line to the joke.  Get it?  Avery didn't.  It may have been a little over her head.  But if you get down to it, it's over all of our heads.  You and me.  The famous and the homeless.  The 47% and the rest.  Everyone.  

Everything ends.  

Sometimes it seems like something will never end.  A mid-afternoon corporate meeting.  Seventh period Expository Writing class in high school.  Sitting in a theater watching "Dude, Where's My Car."  The check-in line at the airport.  Rush hour traffic.  A root canal.  

"When is this going to end???"  

*Sidenote:  If something becomes an analogy or saying, it really has to be bad.  "It wasn't as bad as a root canal."  Is a root canal the worst thing on earth?  I can think of, oh, at least five things worse than a root canal.  Off the top of my head (in no certain order):
1.  The Dave Matthews Band
2.  Coffee without at least five spoonfuls of sugar.  Five minimum.
3.  Putting up dry wall by yourself
4.  Helping someone move
5.  The Midnight Train To Georgia (I can only imagine how bad it must be)

I'd choose a root canal over any of these.  Any day of the week.  "Would you like some coffee?" "Of course.  Do you have any sugar?"  "No, I'm sorry, but we don't."  "Then I'll take a root canal instead."  See?  Proof.

So when is this going to end?  Bare with me.

The end can come suddenly and without warning.  The power goes out.  The car dies.  You offend your date and he or she leaves.  You're fired.  All sudden, unplanned endings.  Sudden endings are never happy occasions.  Unless maybe the power goes out at the Dave Matthews Concert.  But what was I doing at the Dave Matthews concert anyway?  

Everything that starts, ends.  Go ahead and think about that for a second.  There is nothing that begins that does not end.  Nothing.  When you thought about it just now, you began to think about it and then you stopped thinking about it.  Now, you may return to thinking about it again, but that's a new beginning.  A beginning that will end again.  Kind of like the Rocky movies.  The first one ended with Rocky losing to Apollo.  The end.  But then Rocky II came out and although the story "started" at the end of the first movie, it was the beginning of a new movie.  Then it ended.  And Rocky won!  It was over.  But Clubber Lang came along and Mickey died and Adrian begged Rocky not to fight again.  See, that's two endings right there.  Mickey:  dead.  Rocky:  retired.  Endings.  But, as we know, Rocky fought again.  And again.  And Apollo died and Rocky beat the Russian and had a hand in unifying the world and bringing down the Iron Curtain!  The end of the Soviet Republic!  Endings and beginnings.  Every day.  All day.  

You end the day by going to sleep.  A new beginning to a new night.  Then the alarm goes off and it's over.  Your sleep has ended and a new day starts.  Again.   Breakfast starts and breakfast ends.  You drive to work and end your commute.  You start work then you end work.  Some days are longer than others, though.  Science argues with this.  Or is it physics.  But, in fact, every day is exactly the same amount of time as the day previous.  Unless you're talking about the sunrise and sunset.  But regardless of how long a day was, yours will end.  It's a fact.  No one goes to work and never leaves.  It may seem like it sometimes, but I've never heard or read about anyone who goes to work and simply never leaves.  Unless they die while on the job. That would also fall under the "sudden and without warning" endings heading.  But even upon death, you leave.  Whether you believe that your soul leaves and goes somewhere else or whatever, your body leaves.  No place I can think of would just leave a dead body at the workplace.  Nope.  It ends.  Work ends.  But then again, your "job" ends for the day, but "work" may not end that day.  You leave the office at the end of your day, but there are chores to do.  Walls to be painted for the baby room.  Floors to be swept.  Motors to be rebuilt.  Model airplanes to glue together. Fantasy football rosters to tweak.  But even those tasks end.  The walls get painted (or they don't, but however far you got, there was an end.  Your wife may not like where it ended, but it did).  Motors get rebuilt.  You completed the trade for Tim Tebow.  

"This, too, shall pass."

Exactly.  Whatever you substitute for "this," it will pass.  Maybe.  You've made a horrible mistake at home and your husband or wife is very upset.  This, too, shall pass?  Not always.  You cheated?  It may "end" in divorce.  Which, technically, means that it did not pass.  It morphed into an ending.  Perhaps the phrase should be "This, too, shall end."  More definitive.  Yep, it all ends.  Every single time.  

The end can be joyous.  A tight game that has you standing up screaming at the TV.  Bases loaded, two outs, your team up by one.  Strike three!  It's over!  We win!  Happy ending.  Speaking of happy endings.  Never mind.  But it's true.  It is a happy ending.  Ever go to a movie and hear someone say "I hope this movie has a sad ending?"  You don't.  We love happy endings.  And why not?  Happy endings are great.  Your best friend is wrongly accused of a felony.  He goes to trial and is found innocent.  Happy ending!  A child is lost in the mall but is found.  Happy ending!  Everything ends.  Maybe your buddy goes to prison for five to ten years.  Trial over.  Not a happy ending, but a new beginning in prison.  Which will end in five to ten.  

I would bet that Napoleon never thought that it would end.  But then he went to Waterloo.  Butch and Sundance could have gone somewhere besides Bolivia, but they did, and there is where it ended for them.  Custer could have avoided the Little Big Horn and his "last stand."  But even if he had not taken his army there and lived to fight another day, wouldn't he have technically wound up at his "last stand" somewhere down the road?  Maybe he wins his "last stand."  But it still would have been his last.  Probably wouldn't be as famous as it is, though.  "General George Custer took his Army to Sioux City and they were victorious in defeating a small Indian uprising.  Immediately following, General Custer announced his retirement from the army and is looking forward to returning home soon."  Not front page material.  A footnote in history.  But it does highlight another interesting word in this discussion, which is the word "last."  

"Last" and "end" are forever married.  Maybe not married, but they live together in the same house.  Common law, if you will.  If you run your last 5K, that's the end of your 5K career.  But then again, if you eat the last piece of pizza, it may not be the end of you eating pizza.  You take the last beer, it's 3am and the liquor stores are closed, you're out of beer and the night is over.  It's still the last beer but not your last beer.  But eventually you will eat your last piece of pizza and drink your last beer.  Hopefully during the same night.  But "last" does live with "end."  It's a shaky relationship at best, but still a relationship.  One that will not end.  

Sometimes the end is known and advertised.  "What time does your class end?"  It's right there in print.  5pm.  You can plan around it.  "How long is the movie?"  If you can do math you can determine what time you'll be walking out of the movie theater.  But really, how many things in life have pre-determined ending times?  OK, movies, TV shows, work shifts, school, what else?  Most of the time, the ending time is preceded by the word "around" or "about."  "The game should be over *around* six o'clock."  But you never know.  It's an educated guess.  "Dinner should take *about* an hour to make."  You have a pretty good idea of when it will end, but there are factors involved that may shift the end up or back, depending on the situation.  The game goes extra innings.  it ended late.  Federer had 30 aces and no unforced errors.  Match ends early.  The casserole burned (again) and other food had to be cooked.  Dinner is late.  

So, if given the chance, would you want to know the exact ending time or date of everything?  The easy answer is "yes!"  It would make planning so much easier.  The play will end at 10pm.  I'll be home by 11pm (unless there was traffic, which seemed like it would never end).  My employment at the plastics factory will end on June 9, 2014.  Makes it easy to start looking for work sometime in March or April that year. My car will break down exactly three weeks from today.  You can plan your trip that day knowing that it will end suddenly.  You can call AAA prior to leaving and let them know that your car is going to break down.  A tow truck can be there right when it happens.  Your roommate already knows to come pick you up.  You've saved some money to pay for the repairs.  It sure helps when you know ahead of time when things will end, right?  You know that your plane ride will end in Mobile due to a mechanical issue instead of making it to Tampa, so you can plan for that.  Perhaps a rental car booked and ready in Mobile, since the drive to Tampa isn't really that far (it's farther than you think).  Another flight booked to Tampa from Mobile?  No stay over in Alabama hoping to get on the early morning flight since everything else that night is booked.  Knowing the end has its advantages.

But really, would you want to know?  More often than not, you don't.  It takes the element of surprise out of life, which is really about 78% of the fun.  Springsteen plays an extra hour and it's a bonus!  It takes the excitement out if you already knew it walking in the door.  And it makes you a huge douche afterwards.  "Can you believe that Springsteen came out and played for another HOUR!"  "Nope, I already knew he would."  Douche.  

Yes, I know that by knowing the end of things before they begin would really, really help most of the time.  The car breaking down, the plane, the dinner, etc.  Negatives that you can plan for.  You can snack more before dinner knowing that it's going to be late.  The meeting is going to be over two hours before you thought it would be.  You can tell your friends that you can meet at 2pm instead of "I think I'll be there *around* four."  There are advantages to knowing.  But again, staying in the 78% rule, knowing when the end will come can ruin the experience.  The element of surprise, which was one of the keys to the Spanish Inquisition, along with fear and a few other things I can't remember, is really what makes life great.  

Sidenote:  If the whole Spanish Inquisition thing went over your head, I highly recommend Googling it along with the words "Monty Python."  Go to YouTube and you won't be disappointed.  

But the joke that has been played on us is that everything ends.  It begins and it ends.  Everything.  This beautiful, strange, wonderful, horrifying fiasco called life will end.  I know it's cliche, and I hate cliches, but life is a gift that has been given to us all.  Everyone got the gift but each one came in a different size box with no wrapping paper or bow the same.  And the gift is really just on loan.  Which begs the question if a loan is truly a gift?  Maybe the cliche should be "Life is a Loan."  Or maybe "Life is On Loan" (does that make Jesus the Loan Shark?).  Maybe not.  But the one absolute in all of this is that it will end.  Just like everything else.  You will eat your last piece of pizza.  You will play your last round of golf.  You will make your last fantasy football trade.  And then, sometimes without warning and sometimes with an educated guess (you probably have six months), it will end.  It's a fact and it sucks.  This fiasco is too much fun.  When you have a great night out with your friends, one that seems like it will never end, it does.  End. Life seems like it will never end.  And some days are longer than others.  But some day down the road, it'll be over.  The point?  Drink every beer like it's your last.  Eat every pancake like IHOP may run out of batter at any moment.  Take your kids to the park as if monkey bars might be outlawed tomorrow.  Say things to people just in case your vocal cords are damaged during a root canal.  Get it?  

The End